A letter

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My dear Janaba

I don’t know if ever I could address you like the above. But yeah, I hope, nobody else calls you by the name, nor do you mean the same to someone else the way you mean to me. So, I hope it’s relevant, my dear Janaba. Do you remember, that I told you once, I can’t stop blogging now, at least I can’t stop writing about you in my blogs, because you were the reason for starting this new hobby of mine. And eventually, this hobby has ended up being one of the best things in my life. I was happy when everyone who read the posts told me that they love my write ups, but trust me, I was the happiest the moment you told me that you read every line of my blog posts. Well, right from the beginning, you know that I’m really dumb when it comes to expressing my emotions and feelings for you. To be honest, I’m not dumb, I’m blank. I can’t pinpoint the exact reason to love you the most in my life, but I could give you a million events and moments, wherein I loved you, again and again. When my friends asked me to move on from this rejection and love for you, i moved on. And i walked into love again, and again i moved on; only to realise that each time i was in love with the different faces of you, Janaba. All the people i loved were actually your different faces. And yeah, none of them disappointed me. Each interaction, each conversation and each word was to be remembered. You know, as they say, there exists no magic in the monuments, religion or wonders created by us. If at all there exists some magic, it is in the space between two souls, who find out something that is common between them, and that magic is divine. I never believed this, until I realised this through you, through our talks, or even the slightest interactions.

It was funny to note this, but I have always observed that I am ordinary without you, at the best I thought I am. But whenever you enter the scenario, it changes, I start trying to be better. I explore more, I push myself outside that envelope, and I succeed too. Do you remember, many years ago, I had told you once that I wanted to be a writer. But then, I never knew what to write, why to write. Speaking to you, being with you, I realised that writing is soul’s expression. And hence I began writing whatever that came to my mind. And see now, I have evolved from that confused person to someone who is happy to see few people love her articles. I have never asked you about this, but, do you like my writing, or the thought behind those? Do you remember how I would ask you to select things for me, when I was confused. May it be something as simple as the colour of the dress to wear, or even an important thing like attending a medical camp, your suggestions (decisions for me) were just the proper ones for me. I always wondered how would you pinpoint the exact things for me, was it because you could really read my mind well or understand me better than myself, or just a coincidence.

For all the jokes and offensive comments that I enjoyed, and for all the beautiful ideas and thoughts that came from you, I can’t thank you enough. You know, I always felt your mind to be like the sea, and my thoughts as rain. My thoughts began from you, just like the vapours that would bring rain on the sea back. Whatever ideas were given by your talks were refined in my mind, and ultimately they reached back to you in our conversations. So was the love and care. In all those situations wherein I was either made fun of or treated as an object, you were the one who thought about me as a human and cared well. You have often denied this, but just think about those events, don’t you understand that you are the best?

There were certain other things that I discovered about myself in this journey towards discovering you. I thought I was a selfish being, I can’t love someone. Exploring you, I realised that it wasn’t true. I made fun of people who believed or described about true love and that being selfless and unconditional. But I realized that I was wrong, you made me realise that it’s something I always had done my whole life, but it was apparent only when I loved you. And then, just like the snowflake that melts away with the first ray of sunlight, my arrogance and negligence melted away with that first gesture of care from you. I thought I was extremely strong and was too proud of my mental strength, but you made me realise that at certain things, I would break very easily. Not only you made me realise that, you stood by me and made me a strong person. You never accepted this fact nor would you ever, but I can really prove it. Only thing is, I’m confused if every such action of yours was genuinely from you, or just coincidence. Anyhow, I discovered that I was a better human, only through you. Maybe, I loved myself because of you, and I found it very easy to exist and without too much struggle (with no struggle at all, lol). This might be one of the reasons that I asked you for your companionship.

You know, we only feel better with the things that liberate us. It might be few places or people, we keep coming back to them even if they never ask us to stay, because we feel that we are good here, we belong here. You were such an abode for my soul, each time I came back to you despite knowing the fact that you don’t want me to stay there. Many a times when my family, friends and teachers told me that it was stupidity to be in love like this, I never felt so. I was very confident and proud to be there. It was the place I belonged to, I felt. It was the place from where I started making everything clear from the jumbled, random resources that I possessed.

Despite being told that I had such an emotion towards you, you never ignored me or thrashed me as a friend. Or maybe you did, but I couldn’t go back feeling ashamed. I don’t know what you felt about this Janaba. Nor did i ask you, because you made your side clear by a “no” for the question i asked you one and half year ago. I never asked you the reason, nor did we talk about that; rather I never wanted to talk on that. As you said, I don’t have the guts to meet you and speak to you. Even after a year and more to that incident, I still don’t have the courage to be calm and normal when you might explain me the reasons for your “no”. But what made me love you more was, you were always the best friend one could ever ask for. You never let me go alone when I was in trouble. You were always there for me, knowingly or unknowingly. Even when you aksed me to stay in your life but never knew in what role, I was happy to hear that. I felt like I had conquered the whole world.

As I mention always, you are actually the collection of all the people whom I love and I want in my life. You resemble everyone, and more. Even when you are in trouble , I have this worst feeling of grief and sorrow. Past few days were really difficult for me, to be with the fact that you were in pain. And I didn’t know why was this turbulence in my mind, which I could never explain, just like those other emotions that I cultivated towards you. Maybe, this unknown matter, this incompleteness is called love. Maybe, it’s this search and struggle to complete that binds people. I don’t think much about this, I never get an answer. Maybe, it’s better to keep it unanswered, and this search for an answer connects people. All I know that, from the time I knew that you meant a lot to me, you were always my priority, sometimes more than me. I thought a lot about this when my friends would mention about me being creepy, lacking self esteem, with least about of respect for myself etc. But Janaba, you know me more than them, you understand me very well, just like my parents do. I have considered you to be like my parents, then why should I be ashamed to behave like this, if this made me happy? True, don’t you think so? I never gave such comments a second thought, because I really believe that they don’t deserve to be heard.

But yeah, few things have changed, and I understood that it’s time to consider such comments. I have done this many times, and each time I decided to be away from you, I have ended up in that dark, horrible world where I felt horribly empty. I was blank, I was stuck, I don’t know how to define that. It scares me, that space isn’t pleasant at all. It’s just like that trip to the desert which burns under the scorching sun, from those lush green forests which get rain and are always prosperous. But everytime I make the trip to this desert, I have the great hope that I would somehow end up being in the lush green forest again. But this time, I don’t know if I could get back to the rain, and continue in the sun which I never loved. Anyhow, there was much serenity in the memories with you, that might help me exist in that dark world. And yes, for the person who have transformed me into, she would always find bliss in the worst things, just with your thoughts , your care and with the love she holds for you.

Take care Janaba, SILYTM.

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