Hidden emotions – they kill you

This bizzare post is hereby begun with no introduction. Because, it’s too impulsive, and I never plan my posts because of the fear of losing out my thoughts while writing or typing.

So, I’m basically a student of medicine, in Delhi. But, from last few months, I’ve been living in Bhubaneswar and currently in Rishikesh, due to my research work. And as a result of the work done in the past few days, I scored few scholarships, a plan to obtain the PhD for my research in my institute soon after I finish my post graduation, and a research program with the foreign university, which was one of my dreams.

Now, such plans and programs come up with lots of certificate works, like waiting for granted permissions, attestation, paying the fees required, and of course, waiting near the office for hours in a queue. I’m attuned to this waiting for hours process , thanks to my initial years of independent life in Delhi. Anyhow, I was notified by my professors that I need to complete all such legal formalities from the college by 31st of this month. But I couldn’t do it till I was really aware that I had to do it. Laziness, or something else, I don’t know.

Two days back, my psychotherapist calls me to ask me about me mental health :p. Since I am his pet student, he was equally concerned about my studies, and my life too. After reporting to him on how I feel nowadays, he began his part of the dialogue, wherein he explained to me that hiding my emotions due to the fear of being judged is my biggest mistake. Well, I might agree with that. But, I have this constant belief in my head to maintain my character with everyone. A myth which I’m trying very hard to break. The thing is, sometimes you feel like doing something very badly, like talking to someone or meeting someone, but due to the fear that the other person might consider this attitude to be too desperate, I never get the guts to speak to him.

So, today morning I had to call my doctor, because i wasn’t feeling good at all. I had messed up the last three days, sometimes feeling too high, and later too empty, that I really felt my body to be hollow, with no substance inside. And I was afraid to call him too, because his verdict, saying, “there is a little bit improvement dear, but it’s fine. You should be good. You should go to your hometown once” annoys me, and again I fear that I’m being judged to be a very feeble, weak girl. Every five minutes I would pick up the phone, dial the number, but won’t make a call. I didn’t want to get humiliated again. Also, the words of my friends, saying “have a little bit of self respect Meghu, don’t belittle yourself for some random guy. Just chuck it and be the earlier version. That was so easy” played in my head, now and then. I ended up blocking the person three times in just one hour. And then I realized how gravely ill my mind was. It wasn’t stable, it couldn’t make decisions. I thought I lost the capacity to live as a human being. I knew that this graph of the strength my feelings against time wasn’t gaining a negative slope, it was steeply going positive. It wasn’t receding at all, nor did it stop accelerating.

He told me that let us speak about this in detail in the evening, but then, he made me remember something very important.

“When are you sending the documents that need the Dean’s signature and attestation from the Delhi campus? Hope you collected everything”.

I heard an alarm buzzing in my mind. I forgot that, completely. Fortunately, I had collected all the papers and documents in a file, which were to be submitted in the office today. I knew that just three signatures from the Principal was the only work remained. And it might barely take ten minutes.

I went to the college, submitted the documents, and the clerk asked me to come back after two hours. I had a shift, but I had to cancel it for this work. It was almost 11 am, and I was asked to wait there till the clerk who asked me to come again appeared in the office. Three hours of waiting and finally they called me, asking me to get few signatures from the Head of the department and the rest. I was angry, because had they told me this requirement earlier, I wouldn’t have wasted my time sitting there in the office. I’d have completed the work.

Anyhow, with much difficulty and another hour of waiting and skipping my lunch, the hungry me came back to the office. I understand that we need to wait until our turn comes in the office, and there are many people who’s work would be more important than ours. Also, the office staff aren’t computers, they are humans and they need time. But inside my mind, I started doubting this time frame taken now. Three hours and more, I didn’t see anyone working hard, infact they were idle. And when I asked them once, one of the staff replied that they were going through the documents submitted by me. Okay fine, my head was consoled as I didn’t want to create a scene.

Another hour passes, and they call me again, saying that the documents aren’t in order, and they couldn’t be submitted to the principal today, come tomorrow. Now my hunger charged anger reached its limits. I spoke in a stern tone, and enquired the way the documents had to be arranged, and I arranged them in less than five minutes. Now, the clerk says that I need to take a new token and wait again, since my work had taken too much time.

“Hello! It wasn’t me, it were you people who took so much time. Actually you never opened them until I asked you about my work. And in just ten minutes you turn them around. You ignored my work for almost four hours, and the ten minutes of work about arranging the files was done by me, and now you say that I wasted your time? What’s this bullshit?”

My head shouted so. But by the time these words reached my mouth, they got transformed a bit.

“Sorry sir! But could you please help me? I missed my classes and shifts today. I can’t waste then tomorrow too. Please sir, just go through this once again, and let me meet the principal. Please !”

I don’t know what triggered the clerk for his sarcasm, but he said something that made me a beggar woman and I instantly became a joke for everyone, the students, parents and the office staff. Now, that was the limit. It was difficult for me to pretend that I was pleading, while intact i was raging with anger and a hurt ego inside my head. The hidden emotion inside mely head was killing me.

That was it. What followed next was a heated argument. And then, due to the noise created outside, the principal comes out. But before I could speak something, she asks the clerk whom she might trust better than her student, he turns the whole story to some other nonsense, where I’m the culprit, and I get a memo for my rude behaviour and also asking me to pay a fine of ₹12,000, if I need to enter the college. I come back to my room, and by evening I refuse to pay the fine. And I’m issued a warning, which mentioned that if I won’t pay the fine, I might get suspended from the college.

(Too long to continue, next post to be put up soon !!)

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