Dreams – stairway to death

This is an obnoxious title. The idea to put up this post here is equally impulsive. I’m in my threshold consciousness now. My answer won’t be disappointing if I’m asked about my hypnagogic hallucinations, and being a synesthete, they are often complex, and I experience them several times. I might be in such a state now. Because I woke up from a nearly horrible experience, just because of a dream. Sincere gratitude to my friend who woke me up when she saw me crying loudly, and apparently choking, almost succumbing to breathlessness.

It was a normal day. Since yesterday, I was happy. Multiple reasons. Probably because my communication with people around me was better than the past ones, which was affected by depression to an extent. I chose the evening shift, and the during the rounds, I met people who were pleasant patients. Normally I see pain and suffering and people ending up in tears while speaking to me about their illness, but today, that wasn’t the case. Majority of the patients were suffering from mild illness and they were jovial. So were their bystanders. As usual, I avoided my dinner after the shift and chose to take a small nap. I was soon alseep, on a happy note. Maybe the result of the interactions from past two days, I sent a message to Janaba.

“Dude, we need to talk.”

I received a long message after ten minutes.

“Okay. But I need to let you know few things.

1. You are a difficult person. Spending time with you suffocates me and I hate it the most. It’s too tiring and texting you or talking to you drains my energy and peace to half their amount. Hence, don’t make any complex talks.

2. Being your friend is a difficult task. You have a million issues and I don’t have time for all those. Stop narrating every bit. I hate them. I can’t be the friend as per your definitions of one. So, plan your talk accordingly.

3. Also, you are not a good friend. I mean, not for me. You are no fun to talk or be with. Annoying, embarrassing , intimidating piece of shit. I hope that this would be our last talk.

4. Stop writing all the nonsense in your blog and elsewhere. You are making a complete fool of yourself. I’ve told you to move on from the chapter that was closed long back. What’s your adamant behaviour now? Don’t disturb me with such writing and texts. I’ve got my own life to deal with. Unlike yours, it’s perfect. Don’t try to make it like yours.

No time for bullshit today. If you have something pleasant to speak apart from the aforementioned topics, you may continue. Also, don’t exaggerate a small point too much. I’m not your critic, nor do I care for whatever you do in your life, however you be in this world.”

I started crying. I collapsed on the floor. I threw away the phone, as I didn’t have the courage to read the message again. I felt that my breath was too heavy, almost making it impossible to breathe. I started breathing through my mouth, and after few attempts to breath , I started choking. My hands turned cold and motionless. I fell down, choking to death and then I hear some loud noises. Something huge fell on my shoulders. And I open my watery eyes.

It was a dream, just a dream.

Also, there is this point to be mentioned. Marilyn Monroe was standing nearby and weeping along with me (in my dream 😅)

My friends were trying to wake me up and they were the source of noise and turmoil on my shoulder. The difficulty in breathing ended. I opened my eyes. But I was crying for real. And as my friends witnessed, they told me that I was wailing.

And I open the WhatsApp messenger, only to find Janaba’s chat head with a message,

Ha ha … Nice nice.

I remember that we had a jovial conversation right before I started my duty in the evening shift, where we spoke about Marilyn Monroe and Rumi. He said that my shayari was good, and I was very happy for the fact that we had a pleasant conversation since yesterday.

This post is just to record this experience. Till date, I’ve never had such horrifying experience in a dream. Even after I woke up, I felt that struggle my body had to undergo. That choking was for real. And as soon as I woke up, some thousand questions arose in my mind :

  • Why was the dream not at all related to the truth of my real life?
  • Why didn’t I think like this while awake?
  • Does my reaction in the dream signifies anything wrong?
  • Could I take the reaction as a confirmation of my emotional vulnerability in his case?

And many more…

I had made a vague study on dreams, with and without considering the principles of Sigmund Freud. Freudian psychology is fascinating, and dreams, the human mind in itself is the most interesting thing ever. What exactly triggers these dreams, is a question that I have always wondered about. May be, dreams are our experience, insecurity, imagination and creativity blended in a definite proportion, and this proportion changes from person to person. Hence, people with similar experiences and insecurities experience different things. May be this whole world is in our head, the result of our creative, analytical and the sometimes fickle natured brain.

To be continued..

(P.s. : This is the first post wherein GIFs were used. And they are so much fun, along with easing my task to express my thoughts better 😂😅.)

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