A conglomerate of emotions

The matter in this post was going on in my head from past several months. But I was always hesitant to write this and publish. I dont know why, but sometimes the so called “gut-feeling” is strange. It might strongly say no to our most prepared events, like a bolt from the blue, and it would support us for this very event when the whole world stands in negation to it. The strange thing happens with me too, often!

Well, this is not some story or a write up to motivate, but, something similar to uploading a photograph on the social media. The purpose of uploading that picture might not be to exhibit the photography skills or to get a portfolio done, but, to preserve a memory. A piece, a moment captured in the person’s life. I guess this post is similar too, it’s just a memory, some good thoughts and vibes that passed by my soul, today, after so many days of angst and frustration.

It all started because of a girl’s hopelessness and desperation to study something she wanted to, very dearly and in depth. Being a medic was never my dream or a voluntary choice, but I had to, since I thought that fulfilling my parents’ wishes was the biggest thing I could do for them, than achieveing something and making them proud. Some five years down the lane, I feel how stupid I was to think as such and be so prejudistic about my parents and family.

But, if we work hard and sincere, fate favours us to get our maximum best, they say so. I grew up listening to this statement. Hence, I strongly believe in it. Also, some incidents in my life made me believe in those words, I must say.

Delhi was the city I never visited, till September 2015. I was born there, but left the city and never returned, until I got the chance to. It was against much odds and arrogance from my part, as nobody around me was interested in sending me there.

All India institute of medical sciences, Delhi. This place changed my life. From a timid, frightened and nervous girl, who pretended to be bold, the place changed me to someone who could “live” her life. Every year, everyday till now, I’ve always learnt something. But, the most beautiful moments where those, where in my actions were intended to prove someone wrong, or to correct a wrong notion about me, and in the process I would realise many hidden things about me. My strengths and weaknesses, my limitations and exclusions.

Last two weeks, it was the same thing. The story is long, it all started with a DSLR. And finally, that unplanned journey paused now, with me being graduated from the institute I once dreamt of, but never gave it a thought. Same thing worked for me with the dance school, the Kalakshetra, and now, the National school of drama. Unexpected events turned me into something else, some other person that I never wanted to be or dreamt to be. But, the strange and funny thing is, they are far better versions of mine, than I could ever imagine.

Last two weeks, I wasn’t a person with a calm mind, and I’m still disturbed. Many events took place at the wrong hour, and some people changed my perspective on how life and situations make them behave and react, that I discovered a new version of mine. Those people taught me what life really is, the raw, real and colorful life. Not just in black and white.

Yes, even while writing this post with a disturbed mind, I still feel a dopamine rush in some parts of my brain. At one side, I feel almost empty as I realised that life isn’t that easy if you are all alone to sail in that sea. It might be because of the few beliefs that get shattered all of a sudden. Yes, it hurts. We take time to accept the truth, and out mind might not be well equipped to face this new change. In the process of accepting and getting used to this new version of the world that life and time throw to you, the mind shows several reactions. Might be inspiration, motivation, or even frustration or depression. It’s always a conglomerate.

This time, I was frustrated, and depressed. Or maybe I still am. No. I’m still, frustrated and depressed. But, something strange happens too, and I wonder why. I feel happy and blessed , atleast for few moments, I feel that I’ve done something really great, I’ve the best life in this world, and I am the happiest person alive now.

While I try to find an answer for this happiness and sudden switch in my attitude and perspective about life, my mind again comes back to the old scenes of the film of life, and gets lonely and depressed again. Why? After all, is this mind that directs our life; directly or indirectly, is it our mind who knows everything about how our life would be? Do we have all the answers to the questions that we never asked?

What really drives our mind? Is it our life and the events? Or is it vice versa?


15 thoughts on “A conglomerate of emotions

Add yours

  1. What drives our mind? It should be a well mixed drink of both of events and whatever your life is, was or yet to be.
    But why ponder the “why?” Why spend the time searching for the answer, when the answer is in front of you. Let others ponder the “why.” While you experience the reasons. All of which they will miss out. And they will then have more to ponder while you are living. To ask “why” so often will only lead to hearing only echoes. Dont ask why, but how about, why not?!
    Are you asking the right questions for the answers you seek? You may only get monotone replies.
    Events are life. String them together and they become lessons, memories and knowledge.
    In Buddhist teachings…desires bring suffering. It is the right now, this second that you should be in. That miss tessa is the answer to any question of life.
    A good write. 🙂
    Lucky those are who can interact with you in real life.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There will be ups and downs, always, in this life. You did a nice thing by being dutiful to your parents, yet in the end, you must be dutiful to yourself- to the hopes and dreams that are central to your being.

    Liked by 1 person

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