Yes. I know that I haven’t posted any of my random thoughts or questions which arise in my stupid mind. Reason could be the time trouble, a student’s busy schedule packed with examinations and classes, some other activities, and above all, ultimate laziness to sit and type. But last week was an interesting one. Few events dazzled me and left me wonderstruck, and I was broken, hence they just swept me off my feet. I was in love with the world around me.
The day before yesterday, I received my mom’s call. She wanted to speak something serious, hence she made sure that I was free to talk, and initiated the talk. It was about my marriage. And it was an unusual topic to discuss, yet an astrologer’s suggestion that I must get married or atleast engaged before I’d turn 22, added the events that everyone believed to be ill omens in our family, made my parents speak to me about the topic. As a matter of fate, they got a suitable boy about whom they knew very well. Everything is sorted. Life is so simple.
“You need to talk to him tomorrow. He is leaving the city tomorrow night for some work. Just go and speak. You both could be good friends at least. And if things work well, we could think about the next step. It’s just an engagement. You’re not getting married now. Only after your graduation and your internship. You meet many people, many strangers in a day. And you have made good friends. Just give this a try. Please go. It’s an order and not a request. Moreover his family knows you well. And they love you for whatever you are. Just speak properly, politely. Think that your life also belongs to people who love you and have some hope. Don’t disappoint them with your stubbornness. If it’s not meant for you, it’s not meant for you. Hence meet him. It’s a must do.”
I could almost hear her cry and if I had refused it, I could imagine the emotional blackmail that would follow in the next few hours of the conversation. Hence I decided to agree. Friendships are never forced, she knows it as well. And she would never agree with me and this “suitable boy” being just friends. And to make it worse, few events in the past day made me think about this. I wondered myself, “whom are you waiting for? How long will you wait? How long and why would you keep your loved ones thinking about you in such a manner? Why do struggle to move on?”
I came back and saw my friend smiling at me, who came a couple of hours back. Athulya was narrating about my initial days and struggles in Delhi to Achhu. Achhu is more than a brother. Cousins are for life. Yet if you get cousins who are your crazier versions, it’s pure luck. I explained them about the phone call. They know me well. Hence they replied after a 5- minute laughter.
“Are you kidding? Why are you nervous? You’ve always taken the best decisions for you. Just go, and speak whatever you feel. Don’t act stupid now. Please. And serve the dinner please. We’re hungry.”
Yes. I was stupid. Yet I took the best decisions for me. Because those decisions were impulsive. The best decisions in life are the impulsive ones. Because they do not come from our observations or from the hour long analysis and thinking, they are a reflection of our soul, our inner voice, the so called gut feeling. I’ve always made my best decisions by listening to that inner voice. And yeah, now my inner voice was asking me questions instead of giving me answers. Could you move on? You’ve tried and struggled for almost ten months. That’s quite a long duration of time. Do you think you could completely move on from Janaba’s thoughts?
Life is strange. When we have problems, we just think about ourselves. Unconsciously our vibe changes, which can’t be recognised by us, yet our dear ones do. It was such a day.
Two days back…
I had been instructed by Janaba not to text him or irritate him. He just said, “go away”. Now a sarcastic reply was given to him, yet it hurt me a lot. From past few days, or from June 20 to be precise, as this was told, I didn’t text him. And as usual, I was dull again. This thing annoys me, yet sometimes our mind becomes helpless that it cannot control our soul, our thoughts or our so called heart. Reading one of my blog posts, he texted me. I was happy to get his message, yet after reading it, broken completely.
“Whenever I get a link on your new blogpost, I read it from the first post. You are stupid. The chapter is closed. Why don’t you delete it. Move on!!”
Today something worse happened. Just sent him a message to wish him luck, and I was blocked. It made me laugh and cry at the same instance. It also left me surprised and shocked. And my inner voice which had started asking me questions continued, “you have troubled him a lot, that he finds you irritating. He no longer wants to know about you or speak to you. Why do you think you did althese things that hurt him? Aren’t you a shameless girl now? What would people think about you for torturing a person who had tolerated you so much, to the extent that he blocked you?”
I had no answers. I was silent. From everyone. Everything. My phone rang for six seconds. Achhu called me. A casual talk. We had been together for all the mischief done, right from childhood. I was his partner for all the pranks we would play on people. Yet that night he heard the totally broken version of his Tessa kutty. He didn’t speak much. I slept with an elevated heart rate. Out of frustration, guilt, grief and totally blank.
Next noon, the 6th of July, I saw someone waiting for me at the door. It was Achhu. A flight from Kanpur to Delhi brought him to me, but it was his love, his sensible way of seeing his crazy sister being silent, that made him come to me. He just spoke something gibberish, and asked me to get ready. I had just finished an examination. I was happy to see him. We planned for a shopping. He took me to the nearest book store. Yes! He knew it that books and music had great influence on me.
Something strange happened at the book store. I met an old friend. A person who had introduced to me this wonderful world of books. I was happy to meet him again after 12 years.
Achhu had spent his pocket money that he had been saving from past few months. And for the books, I was excited like a child, and he knew nothing else would alter my mood. We were home late in the evening. After a talk on coffee, he wanted to sleep as he was tired. I watched him sleep like a baby. He was younger to me, but today I felt that he is more matured than me. People change. Situations change them. Yet for some special persons, they never change. Atleast their behaviour remains same. Everyone told me that Achhu had changed. He had his own issues in life. He was struggling with his own confusions. A small session with his WhatsApp and Instagram accounts and I could get a bird’s eye view of his life issues. I knew he would solve them. The interesting thing was, he never knew that Janaba was connected to him in the past. We both had pranked Janaba once. The silly prank, which I repented a lot later, which may have perhaps laid the foundation of the soft corner I had for Janaba, was all started with this baby brother of mine planning to fool him.
From trying to trouble his sister to understanding her troubles without her speaking about them, he grew up. He was being a man. He was no more a boy. His thoughts changed. He was more sensitive, sensible, responsible and responsive. Yet he was child like and mischievous. Isn’t the mental change and awareness termed as maturity, rather than the behavioural changes?
I started wondering about the old friend we met at the book shop. I was wondering at how fate plays with us. Real life is stranger than the most fictitious narrations ever. I planned to meet him. Before that, I picked up my phone to call my mom and narrate this whole episode, as it was my regular time to call her in the evening. I unlocked my phone, just to see a new notification :
WhatsApp: 2 messages from 1 chat
Janaba : Sorry
Janaba : Take care
Universe, what’s happening?
(P.s.: I personally hate long posts, and this one is a long one indeed. And due to factors like time and exams, and the important one being laziness, I would apologize for posting the next part in the upcoming post.)